One year later...

Yesterday was one year since our little girl left us to live with Jesus. Wow... I can't believe a year has passed so quickly yet I can't believe it has only been a year. I feel as though I have lived a thousand years in the past year. Everything that has happened this past year is shaded with thoughts of Ava. We have celebrated every holiday, every birthday and now the first anniversary of her death. No more real firsts. For this I am thankful, for this I want to weep. I am sad that life is moving on without her. I am sad that we are thinking of new babies and new life. I want our life to move on but I'm afraid that if we move on she may be forgotten. I know Josh and I will never forget her, what joy she brought, the feeling that she completed our family, and the way that her death brought us closer together and closer to God. How do you thank your daughter for allowing you to see life in a whole new way. Yes, I still get frustrated with the small stuff and my kids still have a tendency to drive me crazy at times, but the between now and then is very different.

The faithfulness that God promises throughout the Bible was truly experienced this past year. There have been many times that I thought I could not take another breath cause I thought my heart would break. I sometimes thought that would be a lot easier. I remember thinking that if one of my kids ever died, so would I. I now realize that to shut down and let the world go on around you would be one of the most selfish things I could do. I still have two children that need to have a mom praying for them, playing with them and just being a mommy. My husband still needs a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, and a decent house to come home to. These are the things that now take up the majority of my time. Without having God to lean on through this entire ordeal would have made the journey impossible. The prayers of friends and family have been nothing short of miraculous many times.

About a week and a half ago, I was having a really rough morning. I was feeling on the brink of breakdown and needed to get out of the house. I decided to take the kids to Target to walk around and have popcorn and pop. (They love to do this.) I was taking a few things out of the car when a cop car pulled up into our driveway. Inside the car was the police officer that was here the day Ava died. On that day she got us water, sat next to us, let us cry on her shoulder, answered all of the questions we had, and told us who everyone was as they were coming and going. She also was the one that encouraged us to see Ava after they had pronounced her dead and I was petrified to see her again. I had visions of how she looked when I found her. She said that she thought it was best to err on the side of seeing her rather than never knowing. We decided to see her again and for that I will always be grateful. Anyway, all to say that she was the police officer here on that day. When she stopped by it was an answer to prayer. She was just here a few minutes but for some reason she brought me such a sense of peace. I can see that our experience really made an impression on her which means that Ava made an impression on her. On that day, I talked to a friend later. She called to see how I was doing and said that I had been on her mind and she was praying for me. This was the day that Diane, the police officer showed up. Sometimes God works in rather odd ways.

I miss my little girl. I wish there was something that could be done to change everything back to the way they were. I wish many things. But the one thing that I can wish for that is possible is that we can be happy again. I want us to be a family, even though one of us is missing, I want us to be happy again. That is my prayer.

Posted on August 2, 2006 .