Ava Nicole

This past August 1st, our sweet baby, Ava has been gone for nine years. In some ways it seems like a lifetime, in other ways, only yesterday. 

For some reason, this year was harder than most. I'm sure my friends noticed that I dropped off the radar, did not fulfill all the obligations I probably should have, but honestly, I just didn't have it in me. It took everything I had in me to just be the wife and mom I need to be here at home. 

I had some pretty extreme anxiety as the day was approaching. I spend a decent amount of time just trying to psyche myself up as the day draws near. It is rarely as bad as I think it will be. 

This year we did the typical balloon launch, we ate lunch at the graveyard, and just spent time remembering. Her grave is starting to look like one of those that has been there a while; not a fresh grave with new grass. 

Time has moved on for most. I know that people remember her, understand that it can still be difficult, but when you lose a child, you lose a piece of yourself. On that day, 9 years ago, I lost a piece of me that I will not get back until I am in heaven.

Having gone through the loss of a child, heaven becomes something much more tangible than it ever was before her death. Yes, it sounded wonderful, perfect, but it is difficult to yearn for something when you are pretty content here on earth.

That surely changed in a moment.

I now yearn for my Jesus' return, His promise that we will all be reunited. How wonderful that day will be. 

And so now I see pain everywhere, a world that is so fallen, Christians being horribly persecuted, momma's watching their babies suffer, husbands and wives that are walking an aimless road of marriage that seems to cause more pain than joy. And I say, "Jesus come quickly!". 

I'm ready.

The depths of sin- Radio DJ sin

Only God knows how deep my love for him runs. No one knows the depth of my love or the depths of my disobedience. He loves me all the same.

As I was driving home last night, there was an emptiness to the radio channel I was listening to. 

There has been a horrific and region-wide story with one of the most popular Christian radio DJ's here in Grand Rapids. It has to do with sexual sin, the sex trade, sexual addictions. 

And one DJ was in the midst of it; speaking of it, praying for it, all while participating in it.

It is disgusting. It is assaulting to my emotions, much less the children who were victimized.

But I am not beyond this.

Just when I have the tendency to say, "No way, that would never happen to me. Nast.", He shows me the depths of MY sin. 

It may not have the same repercussions that this DJ will be held accountable for.

But I am capable of disgusting sin: the sin of selfishness, the sin of greed, the sin of gluttony. The list goes on.

But my Savior knows that. He has always known. He already knew what was happening in the DJ's life as well. He knew what was going on in my marriage long before I knew. He knows. He knows all.

And He forgives all. He welcomes me to Him with open arms, a loving heart, a spirit of forgiveness. 

I do not deserve this. I deserve death, destitute.

He loves the DJ despite his sin.

He loves me despite mine.

And now there is forgiveness, sins wiped clean because of what He did for me, for us, for him on a cross, 2000 years ago.

Pressursaurus Wrecksus

Josh has a pressure sore. He is a wreck. This was the nickname one of his buddies sent to him. It at least got a giggle out of him. 

We both have vivid memories of the last pressure sore, otherwise known as a bed sore. It landed him in the hospital for 3 months. Over Christmas.

Three months of laying flat on his back. 

Three surgeries.

8 weeks of IV antibiotics.

This sort of thing is the type of illness that makes him feel very "mortal". Infection, antibiotic-resistant infection, is not something to be messed with. It's how Christopher Reeve died.

Yuck.

We are nowhere near that, but it sure scares him (us). 

I'm tired of life being hard. I'm tired of feeling like there is always something else to deal with. 

Suffering.

This is nowhere near as difficult as the death of Ava, or Josh's accident, or infidelity.

But it's still hard. Still difficult.

I hate the ache in my chest, the lump in my throat.

I can't fix Josh, can't heal his pressure sore. I can encourage him. I can pray for him. 

And I will continue to rely on the One who gives me strength to face the day, the reason we have hope.

Infidelity Almost Wrecked Our Marriage

I never dreamed my marriage would be one that would experience infidelity. Since 1995, the year Josh and I started dating, we had stars in our eyes for each other. But life happens, hearts change, pursuits of each other become half-hearted, and our pursuit of God became just another thing on my long list of daily duties.

In 2005, when Ava died, we got through this with our marriage not only intact, but stronger. In 2007, when Josh broke his neck and quadriplegia became his (our) reality, our marriage became a struggle. This is not what I had ever dreamed marriage to be about: doing nearly every task the house needed to run, do every bit of grocery shopping, driving every child and hubby to every doctor’s appointment, emptying urine bags, cleaning up pooh, the list could continue on for many pages. But my point is that I never envisioned this to be my life, and I could see no way out of it. I had made a promise before God that I would love Josh in sickness and in health. I watched the emotional toll this new way of living had on Josh and had no idea and no energy to help him. I couldn’t understand how God would ask this of me, and then to do it with a loving heart?

When Josh’s affair came to light in the fall of 2008, I was utterly shocked. I had no idea, no warning, no clue that anything was going on.  My dearest friend from college flew out to Michigan to be with me while I tried to make some very difficult decisions. Instead of being spiteful toward Josh and hating him with me (trust me, we did plenty of Josh-bashing), but she kept reminding me to let God guide my decision.

The first thing I realized that I never anticipated is that your spouse can have an affair, you can hate what they did more than anything, you can feel like they have broken your heart, but that doesn’t change that you’re still in love with him. 

The second thing I realized was that Josh had done the one thing that the Bible says is a legitimate reason to get a divorce. Oh thank you, Jesus.

I called it my “Get out of jail free” card. I was allowed to leave him, take our children with me, and start my life over.

The biggest problem: God was not asking that of me. He was asking me to STAY.

I did not like that. Not one bit. No way God, it says so right here in your Word that I’m allowed to be done.

That still did not change the fact that my heavenly Father was asking me to continue my commitment to Josh, to my marriage, and to our family.  I felt like He was asking me to do the impossible: forgive.

That didn’t mean allowing him to move right back into our home, our go right back to where we were before. I wrote up a very detailed list of the things that I needed him to change, really things that God needed to change in Josh, and then we could discuss the future.

We entered a mega amount of counseling. Any issue that we thought could be a root problem, we plowed through it.  We talked and talked and talked.

We still talk. A lot.  We still have issues. A lot.

But now we have an arsenal; the Holy Sprit who resides within each of us, giving us the grace and desire to do more, love more,  try more, be more.  Over the past 5 years, I have watched Josh become the father he always had the potential to be, but was just always too busy. I have come to realize that even though he is a quad, he is capable of handling many of the household duties, paying bills, watching kids so I can get away, supporting me, encouraging me to be the best mom, wife, Christian I can be. He has sent me away on numerous vacations with friends because he is unable to go and participate. But most importantly, he has put God at the center of our marriage. He pursues this daily. I watch him be the spiritual leader Christ called him to be and I am honored to be his wife; I am so proud of the man he has grown into.

Yes, my husband had an affair. Yes, we are still married. I love him more today than I did yesterday, more than I did 5 years ago, more than I did 13 years ago when we married.

I believe we have finally entered a healthy place of marriage, a safe place where the other can share their faults, their insecurities and know without a doubt we will still be loved and respected by the other.

More and more like Christ, less and less like the world.