hmmmmmm...

God continues to work in my life. He has made himself more apparent over the last few months than the two years before. Yes, I know God was with us, yet I see him so much more clearly. This growth comes with a great amount of pain. I just read somewhere that "nothing grows on the mountaintops, it all grows in the valleys." 

I am in a valley. I can only look up. But you know what I see? I see a God who continues to be faithful to me who seems more real than he did yesterday or the day before. I am a woman falling apart on my own and yet God continues to hold me together. I have been crying out to him that the life I want, the one I deserve is nowhere to be found. He then reminds me what I really deserve...and it's ugly. I am an ugly person without God. I am selfish, judgmental, and angry. God takes these ugly things and works in my life in ways that I don't deserve. I am still these things. I am a work in progress. I am a woman who continues to try to figure out who I am in God.

This has been such a heartache for me over the last few months. Who am I? Am I a wife, mother, Christ-follower, friend? All these things are descriptions of me, but I seem to have lost ME. I really don't know who I am. I am confused. I am hurting. But I know one thing to be true. Without God, I am not me. So, I hold on to this one truth and continue on this journey. I look to his word and know that many went before me who feel the same as I do too. I pray for God to work in this ugly heart of mine and make it like his own. Show me who I am God, show me who I am in You.

two years

It's been two years since Josh's accident. Wow. Time flies and stands still at the same time. I amazed at how far he has come and how little he has come. I really believed he would walk again.  God had other plans. I realize he may walk again if science comes far enough or God decides a miracle is in order, but I thought he would walk again, like a year and a half ago.  Every once in a while, he will have a weird sensation or pain that makes me think that it's still possible, then reality hits. My husband is a quadraplegic. It sucks. Is that okay to say???

Outside of it being two years, we continue to carry on. Life has been tough the last two months. More things not related to this, but tough all the same. More ways I am learning to trust the God I love. Sometimes I feel like my heart may break, yet I make it through the day and wake up again the next morning. I am learning that God knows a heck of a lot more than I do. I knew that already, but I am learning again. I am learning it deeper, more fully; not without pain...but with my God.

grief

Grief is complicated. It is all consuming. I know about grief. But I also know about the reprieve that God has given to me. I consider it a gift. An amazing one at that. But one I do not want all the time. Today, I want to miss my little girl. I went to a friends house tonight who just had a baby girl three days ago. She was yellow from jaundice, had dark hair galore and reminded me of my little girl. I came home and decided that I wanted to feel bad. Does that sound stupid? With Ava being gone for over three years, my grief is not usually as heart-wrenching on a day to day basis. It feels good to grieve sometimes. It makes her feel close. 

So, when does my grief end? I never really thought about that until a few days ago. You'd think I'd have thought of that before, considering how many books I've read regarding losing a child but I never really thought about when I'd be done. I was running the track at the YMCA, talking (or rather huffing) with a friend and we got to talking about Ava. As we talked, I came to this realization that most of you probably already realize, but to me, it was eye-opening. My grief will never be over in this lifetime. When I am 80, I will still miss my little girl. I will still hurt for all that was lost, or that was never to be. Instead of it seeming like a death sentence though, I find it comforting. Knowing that my baby will always be a part of me, that God has allowed my heart to love so deeply, to know that I never have to be "over it."

merry christmas

It's been a good day. I just finished putting away all the kids goodies from grandpa and grandma. We had a nice time celebrating Christmas with my parents today. I marvel at the fact that my God sent a baby to earth to save ME. He also sent that baby to save YOU. It becomes so simple when you try to explain it to your kids. It creates in me a child-like faith that I treasure. I serve an amazing God who has given me gifts beyond understanding and stood beside me while I went through the valleys. I am a fallen woman. A woman saved by grace. Now THAT'S  a Christmas present!