8/1/07 11:45 p.m.

Today was the 2 year anniversary since Ava went to heaven. The day was very similar to today, here in West Michigan. It was in the low 90's and not a cloud in the sky. I remember sitting on the hill in front of our house on Auburn, with my mom, waiting for the paramedics to give us updates on their attempts at CPR. I remember the sun beating down on us and being aware of the heat but not really feeling it. That day forever changed who I was. I went from being a carefree, innocent mother of three to who I am today. So, who am I? I'm still figuring that one out. I know I am no longer carefree- I spent many nights checking on my three living children, making sure all are breathing. When you find your child like I found Ava, your innocence is forever lost. I miss that innocence but also treasure the changes that have taken place. I now know that no matter how bad things get, I can still rely on God. When things are so bad you don't think you can take another breath, he is often the most real thing you feel. It's when things start to feel a bit more normal that the desperation of needing God seems a bit less poignant. I know that I pray for my kids so much more than I did before we lost Ava. I never felt like I didn't pray for them, I just know how desperately they need it now. I feel honored to be able to go before a God who loves my children more than I and has all of our best interests in mind.

Today was a day of traditions that are just beginning. This being only the second anniversary, we are still trying to feel out what we think is important to do on this day. We went to the cemetery, let off pink balloons, talked about what we remember the most about Ava, and prayed. All of our kids were climbing all over her headstone and posing for pictures. Ephram never made it out of the car, he was taking his afternoon nap. I brought him out to the cemetery a few weeks ago so he has already "met" his sister. We then went out to Grand Haven and sat outside at a local burrito joint and just spent time together. The kids enjoyed running around in the sand and just being together. After this, everyone else went swimming and Josh and I headed off on a walk and got some ice cream. After nearly passing out from heat stroke, we decided to find someplace air conditioned and headed off to see a movie. We had a nice time together and had some time to ourselves to just talk.

Tomorrow is a busy day so need to head off to bed. I did want to mention some close friends of ours who are in desperate need of our prayers. I know how many of you pray for us when you read this so I thought I would put this out into blog land. Tiffany and Jason are in Ohio, adopting a baby who was just born at 24 weeks. You can imagine all the implications of a baby born this early. Isaac continues to fight but they all need prayer. You can visit their blog at tiffanyandjason@blogspot.com  Hopefully the link works, I've never tried to create one like this before (and I'm not the most computer savvy girl on the planet).  Much love to you all.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!! GOD IS STILL ABLE

-guidance in regards to moving to a new house

-for God to show us where to go from here, what does he want us to be doing in regards to this ministry we are setting up?

7/29/07 11:20 p.m.

We have another very busy week coming up. I am trying to gear up- attempting to catch up on some sleep and working on having a positive attitude. I have felt overwhelmed more than not as of late. It's frustrating to feel like I cannot keep up or remember everything I am supposed to be doing or getting done. I continue to get a ton of help but am slowly taking control of our lives again, one task at a time.

Josh had a tough weekend. It seems like numerous things happened that have been like a small slap in the face. Many things are happening around us that are wonderful, but for Josh it is bittersweet. It's like a reminder of the things that he can no longer participate in or is no longer able to do. Some friends of ours moved into Eastown over the weekend which is a wonderful thing. They live about a 2 minute drive from our old house. Josh was saying that we should still be living in the old house and walking back and forth to the others house. We had so many plans, and so many of those plans have changed over the last six months. The way he describes it is "bittersweet".

It's funny that he described his feelings yesterday as bittersweet because that is exactly how I feel in regards to Ava. Wednesday will be two years and the best word to describe my feelings is bittersweet. Bitter because she is no longer with us but sweet for the time we had with her. Sweet for the fact that she is in such a better place than any of us are. Sweet that God decided to take her home and that she never had to experience the pain of this earth or the heartaches that come along with it. Although I wish every day that she was with us, I know she is in a much better place than me.

The kids were gone over the weekend with some friends. Zoe has been hesitant to go away from home but was very excited for this trip because they have a pool!!! I called on Saturday thinking I would be picking them up but she wanted to stay "one more sleep". So, they came home today. They also were able to go to our old church in Kalamazoo and see Jonah, a great friend of the two of them.  I love it when they enjoy spending time with their little friends. They are growing up so fast!

I am one tired momma and have little to say tonight, so I'll sign off early. Much love and God bless.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING

-Our emotional health and patience levels

-spiritual growth through this journey

7/27/07 9:30 p.m.

We've had a very busy week. I'm really glad it's the weekend and that we may have a few moments to relax. The past few days have been a whirlwind of doctors appointments, therapy sessions, meetings and the like. Josh had a good week- for that we are thankful!  With his new computer, he has downloaded a version of Sim City. This is a video game of sorts he is able to play. For those of you unfamiliar with this game, it is a simulation game where you build your own city, have to earn and spend money, and try to get it to grow. Because it does not take quick hand movements, he is able to do this. He stayed up late two nights this week playing. It's nice for him to find something like this to enjoy.

Zoe and Ephram had their well-baby checks. Both got three shots. Ephram screamed bloody murder and Zoe was so brave. Her poor little lip stuck out so far and her eyes filled with tears, but she kept blinking them back. Why is it when your kids seem so helpless you love them all the more? After we were done she says, "that wasn't so bad!" I was so proud of how she behaved, knowing what was happening.

Josh went to a doctor's appointment today to see if he is a candidate for Lasik. Because he is unable to take his glasses on and off and clean them, he is very tired of them. He also smudges them easily when trying to push them back up his face. Anyway, the doctor said he is a great candidate and is scheduled to have it done August 23. We are very excited. He says he will also feel like he looks a bit more like himself without his glasses. Before the accident, he never wore his glasses, except around the house. He was a contact man, but, for some reason, he doesn't trust for me to put them in! :-)

Therapy continues for Josh. He continues to work on sliding board transfers, weight lifting and lots of functional skills. Today, he worked at looking up a number in the phone book and then he got a pop out of a pop machine. These tasks may seem a bit ridiculous to work at, but this is how we find out what he is capable of and what we need to work on. A lot of the time, we have to work on balance so he can do the task at hand and balance in his chair. Without any abdominal muscles, he has to work on his balance a TON!  Thinking back to a few months ago, he has come so far. He is able to do things with his hands and arms and still maintain his balance in his chair. A few months ago, he sat in his chair with a belt around his chest to keep him upright. But, no longer.

Today was a tough day. Actually, the last few days have been tough. When I get so busy trying to get phone calls placed, papers organized, insurance dealt with, kids loved on, husband loved on, and the basics of running a household, I can quickly become discouraged. I have running lists everywhere, yet they never seem to be quite completed.

On Wednesday, August 1st, Ava will have been gone two years. It's shocking how much are life has changed. Two years ago today, Ava was still here with us and Josh was still walking. Much has been very hard but there has been much joy. It's odd to think that Ephram would not be here if Ava were still alive. He has brought us so much joy. He is smiling so much in the mornings and still being a little fussy-pants in the evening. :-) He's a little bugger and we wouldn't have it any other way!

The two older kids are gone overnight, so I'm heading to bed early. Good night!

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Josh's fingers and triceps

-Stability (emotional, physical, financial, etc) for our family- God continues to bless us here!

7/23/07 11:15 p.m.

Wow, two blogs in two days! Is anyone out there impressed? :-) I know I have dropped off some as things are not changing as quickly as they were earlier in our journey. I write today to let you know that God answers prayer. Today we received a check from Blue Cross for our med flight from Cancun to Miami!!!! God is good and he hears our prayers! When we got the call today that they would covering the flight, my mom and I were screaming. I called PT Kristy and her first word was "Hallelujah!". We are so thankful.

Another reason to be thankful: God has put us in touch with some amazing men and women of God. We met with them at length in regards to building. We will be having another meeting on Thursday when many more details will be coming. Know this- God is providing for us beyond what we could ever dream. Even when I am so frustrated I could just sit down and cry, God is still there.  He is orchestrating so much in our lives. For those of you who may doubt the goodness of God's people, you need only look at our situation. The people of God continue to be used by God and amaze and bless us beyond measure. God is good.

So all these great things are happening so why did I have such a hard day? I don't know. I called my mom tonight and said of all these great things that are happening, why do I feel so poopy? Maybe it's because we're getting close to 2 years since we lost Ava, maybe it's because Josh is still not walking, maybe it's because Ephram is being a fussy-pants, maybe it's because I'm sleep deprived. Hmmmm.  I guess that I'll just have to accept not knowing and be thankful for the many blessings  in my life and not the struggles.

Prayer Requests:

-TOTAL HEALING!!!

-meeting on Thursday regarding building

-emotional stability for all