6/5/07 11:55 p.m.

I quit.

I'm tired, stressed, everyone needs more than I have to give. A group of people left my house a few minutes ago and left a huge mess. The baby is crying and really doesn't want anything in particular. My back hurts from getting Josh into bed. I'm frustrated at having to problem solve getting the heater close enough to Josh to keep him warm. I'm just frustrated. That's all there is to it.

I was leaving church on Sunday night, struggling to load three kids and too much stuff. I had finally gotten everyone buckled, and was pulling out feeling frustrated at how hard everything is when I saw a girl from church walking across the road with her three kids. Her husband had their youngest child on his shoulders and the older two were walking next to her. She was working hard at carrying her purse. :-) I was jealous. I admit it.

Tonight, a group of girls were talking about all the movies they've rented lately. I haven't been to Blockbuster since the accident. I felt like the odd man out that has nothing in common with the people I'm with. My life is so different than it used to be and today I feel yucky.

So, yes, I'm having one of those "life is too hard" moments. I'm feeling sorry for myself and starting to annoy myself. I try and remind myself that God knows how much I can handle and will give me no more. I need to remind him that I'm not that strong. I'm tired and my fuse is short.

I'm too tired to think of much. One thing to note. Our church is helping to throw a Boogie Skate at Terry Hall skating rink in Grandville. People were talking about it tonight. The skating rink is letting us use it and the entrance fee is a donation. The money will go to us (yaaaay!) to help us out with all our bills. I've not been roller skating in probably 15 years so it should be fun. Even though our church is sponsoring it, I was told to give the info out to blogland that everyone is invited. We would love to see you, meet you, talk to you and watch you show your moves on the roller rink!

I'm too tired. Please pray for my sanity and patience with my family.  Please pray that Ephram starts sleeping better at night. Pray that Josh is able to continue to handle the changes that have taken place in his life. Pray that we know how to be good parents to our kids while we keep throwing all kinds of changes at them.

Much love. Night-night.

3/5/07 5:15 a.m.

I realize I only posted a few hours ago, but I thought I would again. I am laying in my bed, with my adorable little Zoe sorta' snoring next to me, and I can't sleep. My mind is running a mile a minute and my prayers seem inadequate and self-centered. There are so many times through out the day where I feel so encouraged and up-lifted but there are these times where I feel discouraged and scared. I wonder what is taking God so long to heal Josh? I know everything is perfect in his time, but come on and heal him already. I know you can... what's the hold up?

I see Josh at his best times and his worst times. We pray so often for an encouraging sensation, movement or gain in some area.  When days go by and we don't see much change, it's difficult to accept. So much of this is difficult to accept. We are getting to a point where we want to accept whatever God's plan is, but we don't know the plan. Sometimes the "not knowing" seems harder than the process of accepting what is to come.

Please pray for our spirits to continued to be lifted. These 5 a.m. posts mean my mind is at war with my heart. I want to let my heart win out, God is present there and Satan wants to take a hold of my mind. He wants to fill me with thoughts of inability, lack of faith and discouragement. I know these thoughts are not Christ-like but they are still a real battle waging in my mind.

God continues to encourage us daily through this trying experience. Please pray that God continues to allow us to feel this way and not become overwhelmed in this process. Pray that Satan cannot get a foothold in our thoughts or hearts. We know the truth, we want to claim the truth and let God be glorified!