So, where have I been? Why no blogging?

I hate it when people aren't honest or are not open to talking about their feelings.

So I will be, but it ain't pretty.

Every year between May 5, Ava's birthday, and August 1st, the anniversary of her death, I go quiet. I stop returning phone calls, make excuses on why I can't get together with friends, essentially, turn into a hermit.

I try and shield my kids from my inner quiet. I don't want them growing up thinking they had a depressed mama, but truly, it is something I struggle with. I hate it.

I was born into a family that has significant depression coming from both sides of the family tree. It is something I was probably genetically predisposed to have. But it is dark. It is lonely. It makes my heart race when I realize how overwhelming the darkness can get.

This time, it grew pretty bad. I have pulled away from many friends, family, church, because being social and depression do not go hand-in-hand for me. They are opposites. 

I could sleep the days away, keep the curtains closed, turn off my phone. I wake up wondering how long it will be until the day is over. It is not really living, just surviving. It is all consuming.

But as long as I don't talk about it, it won't be real. I can continue to live in this fake land where I numb myself with unhealthy solitude. Where I don't deal with the fact that I am depressed. This is a less than healthy way of handling my depression but it doesn't mean that my spiritual life is failing, that I am failing, or that my marriage is failing. But I am always afraid that is what people will think.

Oh well. Think what they may. My hubs has been an incredible support to our family during these past few months. He has been an amazing spiritual leader during these days. I am so thankful for that.

Praise God that the cloud is starting to lift. Instead of being deliberate EVERY TIME I feel joyful,  I am beginning to respond naturally with joy. I am aware that my smiles at strangers are not forced but genuine. Dinner with a girlfriend a few nights ago fed my soul, the wind in my hair, the beautiful gardens around us, a glass of wine, I left feeling renewed. 

Once again, I experience that He is faithful, that He is filling my soul with happiness not just gray existing. I choose to be joyful, to enjoy watching my kids doing everyday things, to just live. 

Posted on August 5, 2015 .