You know my heart, you know my hubby's heart. Please Jesus, bring us peace, shalom, take away the fear and anxiety. You are able. We know and trust that you are. We ask and pray that you would take away our unbelief, replace it with more of You.
My insides shake with nervousness, that part I can hide. My hands shake with it too. This part, the world can see. I can smile because I know God loves me, I know where I am going if I were to die, because the world wants to see my happy face.
But my insides don't want to smile. They want to scream that life is not fair, haven't I suffered enough God??? Hasn't Josh suffered enough?
I know that your suffering on that cross was so much greater, big enough to take away the sins of all humanity, yet still I hurt.
Where is our family when we feel like we are falling? Where is the comfort of my momma's arms or the smile on my daddy's face? How do I be the strong one in our little family of 5 when it feels like life is too hard?
Josh is paralyzed. He is a quadriplegic. If that was the extent of what we had to deal with on a daily basis, we could both manage. But that's not all. Not even close.
Have you ever heard of the term "phantom limb pain"? It's the pain that someone experiences in an arm or a leg that is no longer there. It's the easiest way for me to describe the nerve pain that Josh experiences. The doctors refer to it as neuropathy or hypersensitivity. He refers to it as burning hell. Stick your hand in burning flames and feel it burn. Don't take your hand out of the flame because the intense burning does not stop. He feels this pain in very specific places all over his body, places that do not work because he is paralyzed. Yet, they hurt, they scream out in pain.
The number of medications he has tried, increased dosages of said medications, surgeries, stretching, oils, nerve blocks, have brought little to no relief. The side effects add to ugliness.
He laid in bed this morning, tears running down the side of his face and into his ears, fearing we have tried everything. What if he has to live with this pain for the next 40 or 50 years? How is this living? What else is there to try and tame this ugly beast called nerve pain?
Where is my husband? The jovial one who is always cracking jokes, being silly, loving on me endlessly? Why does the pain get to take away who he is, his personality? Why, Lord??? What is your purpose? What are we supposed to be learning from this?
Oh Jesus, be my Comforter, my Rescuer. Remind my heart again and again of 2 Corinthians 1. YOU are the God of all comfort, my Father of compassion. Give me patience and endurance to walk this road you have called me to. Give me faith, knowing that you are in control, that your purposes are being met, that you are aware of my hurting heart. Remind me that you are my peace.
Come quickly, Lord Jesus for your child is weary.