Ava Nicole


This past August 1st, our sweet baby, Ava has been gone for nine years. In some ways it seems like a lifetime, in other ways, only yesterday. 

For some reason, this year was harder than most. I'm sure my friends noticed that I dropped off the radar, did not fulfill all the obligations I probably should have, but honestly, I just didn't have it in me. It took everything I had in me to just be the wife and mom I need to be here at home. 

I had some pretty extreme anxiety as the day was approaching. I spend a decent amount of time just trying to psyche myself up as the day draws near. It is rarely as bad as I think it will be. 

This year we did the typical balloon launch, we ate lunch at the graveyard, and just spent time remembering. Her grave is starting to look like one of those that has been there a while; not a fresh grave with new grass. 

Time has moved on for most. I know that people remember her, understand that it can still be difficult, but when you lose a child, you lose a piece of yourself. On that day, 9 years ago, I lost a piece of me that I will not get back until I am in heaven.

Having gone through the loss of a child, heaven becomes something much more tangible than it ever was before her death. Yes, it sounded wonderful, perfect, but it is difficult to yearn for something when you are pretty content here on earth.

That surely changed in a moment.

I now yearn for my Jesus' return, His promise that we will all be reunited. How wonderful that day will be. 

And so now I see pain everywhere, a world that is so fallen, Christians being horribly persecuted, momma's watching their babies suffer, husbands and wives that are walking an aimless road of marriage that seems to cause more pain than joy. And I say, "Jesus come quickly!". 

I'm ready.

Posted on August 11, 2014 .