Half a Year

Today has been half a year since our baby girl left us. Seems incredible how much time has passed and yet there is little reprieve. The intensity of our grief seems to have subsided very little. The frequency may be bit by bit. I realize that I may not think of our little girl for small amounts of time, usually when I am caught up in life and being entertained by the kids. Then I realize we are missing one and the loss seems so obvious, so poignant. My mom and I went to the graveyard today and the wind was whipping my hair all over and reminded me of how hard the wind blew the day of Ava's funeral. It made me feel close to her.

I packed up all the cards that we received after the accident. I bought a rubbermaid tub to put them in. I want to have them to look at them years from now. I was cleaning out the closet in the girls' room when I came across the diaper bag that I bought before Ava was born. I remember how it hung in Zoe's room, waiting for the big day of Ava's arrival. Her homecoming outfit was in there along with new pacifiers, socks and her new blanket. That bag is very hard to see now. I decided to pack it up so I wanted to make sure it was empty. In a zippered pocket I found her immunization record. Might seem a bit exaggerated, but thinking of how we immunize our children to protect them from danger and I couldn't save her still.

These past few weeks have been eye opening to me. Being a Christian, I realize that our children our not ours the way we humans think they are. They are given to us for a short time, and we are to show them Christ's love and try to raise them to love the Lord. I think of Hannah and how she promised God that she would give Samuel to him if he would only give her a child. I wonder if I would ever do that. I doubt it. I want to feel as though I would. I look at Noah and Zoe and see them a bit differently. I now actually know that they are not mine the way I think they are. It makes me enjoy them a little more, makes my tolerance level a little higher- realizing what a gift sits before me (even if they do drive me nuts at times). Knowing that God entrusted them with Josh and me is pretty incredible.

Well, I've just realized that we have passed midnight so this will officially post on the 2nd of February. All this about it being 6 months and now it's six months and one day. Thank you to all our friends and family who continue to hold us up in prayer. With love,
Posted on February 1, 2006 .