As Time Passes...

Zoe in the morning

Things are okay at the Buck household. So what does okay really mean? Not really sure. We continue to breathe, grocery shop, eat dinner together when we can, play with the kids and go to expected events. Although we are surviving it really doesn't feel like living. I'm looking forward to the day where my feet hit the floor before I remember that Ava is dead. Sounds sorta shocking huh? A little vulger? Morose? I think I feel all these things at certain times. Josh and I are seeing a counselor which is helpful. He's a neat guy and has made us aware of some things that we needed to see from a different perspective.

I've decided that I'm done acting like everything is fine when they're not. Yes, there are times when I feel half-way normal for a few minutes and I'm happy about that but sad too cause I feel like every time that happens we've lost our little girl a little more. I feel like I've lost a lot of myself and not sure how to find this piece that seems to be missing. It seems to affect who I am, how I parent, how I love my husband, and how I view God. It's been hard to try and understand a God that would allow something like this to happen. And then I remember that I will never understand God nor will I probably ever know why this happened. I do cling to the fact that God has a greater purpose and a will that I don't understand. I do know what my first question will be when I get to heaven.

The kids are doing well. Zoe is missing her little sister more the past week than she was for a while. This makes it a bit more difficult when she goes to sleep looking at her picture and talks about her more often. She is really into babying her dolls and it makes me sad to see her have to baby an object instead of her sister. It makes our loss seem so apparent. About a week and a half ago, Noah and Zoe were going down the stairs and they were talking in their own little babble about Ava and then Zoe says "Ava coming home soon." Noah says "No, baby Ava in heaven". I'm glad he seems to be understanding that Ava won't be coming home but it's difficult to be so black and white so they understand.

Josh and I have been trying to spend some time together. It is hard to find the time and a babysitter where we can be alone just the two of us to be able to talk and process together. We have had numerous people who have been so giving with their time to help us out in this aspect. Most evenings, by the time the kids are asleep, we have little energy to talk about things that actually matter. Most of the time we just want to veg and not have to think or talk about everything. Everything seems to take so much energy- even sitting here and putting my thoughts down where I know people will be reading them! :-)

Thank you to all our friends and family that continue to hold us up in prayer as we continue on this journey. Love to you all.
Haloween 2005
Posted on January 14, 2006 .